This pandemic has brought a drastic change in my life. Before, whenever there was an opportunity to fuck an attractive girl, I did it without hesitation. Now when this damn covid started to penetrate our city since March of this year, even when presented with an opportunity and even though deep inside I dislike it, I turn away from temptation.
I’ve been receiving messages from my social media account from the women I fucked before. Some just miss fucking for the pleasure of it while some are ready to massage fuck in exchange of money.
When hiv came into my awareness in the 90’s, I was afraid a little but it didn’t stop me from feeding into my carnal desires. I still fucked and fucked every pretty women I came across with. Some I wore protection while I some, I didn’t.
This covid is different. Maybe because of the daily news that I heard, seen and witnessed, it somehow pushed me back with my lust being suppressed. Of course, I know, lust can’t be suppressed for long. It has to come out in one way or the other. This is where watching porn while masturbating comes in. But I also know, it can’t always be like that. There has to be some variation. Masturbation is still there but watching not a porn video but staring at a seductive woman on the street while I’m in my car. Sometimes, gazing at an attractive woman dressed in mini skirt, I would then lock in her image into my mind. I try to concentrate on her chest, butt and crotch, not minding her face mask… So later at night, I would then fuck my wife, with that woman still on my mind, I would try to cum. And I cummed. Although not that great compared fucking a different real woman but at least, I cummed.
I must admit that it’s difficult for me to achieve orgasm when I fuck my wife. We’ve been fucking for so many years now. Time comes it’s getting boring yet still I have to fuck her. I feel like it’s my responsibility to fuck her regularly. Because if not, I could cause depression on her, making her think I don’t want her anymore.
Please don’t get me wrong. I love her truly. I really do. She has done wonderful things to me that no woman has ever done before. She’s the mother of our kids. She raised them very well that they become respectful and loving. She has forgiven me many times. She let me see what true unconditional love really is.
But my lust for other woman can’t be extinguished. Countless times I tried to before but I always failed. I guess lust is here to stay forever. I realize my being a carnal man is part of who I am. On the other hand, if I really want to take away my lust with all determination and discipline, I think I can annihilate it. But then again, if it happens, can I still write erotica? Can I still write about love and romance? Can I still live life with excitement, thrill and ecstatic joy? I don’t think so.
Rainer Maria Rilke said, “Don’t take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”
I’m mystified by Rilke’s words yet I’m constantly guided.
Even after many years had passed, I still think about you. I thought I can forget you but here I am, listening again and again to the music we shared together. I still remember these are the kind of songs we enjoyed while we made love on my bed.
You used to tell me that you love me so much and that you want to build your world around me. You were even complaining on why I didn’t spend much time on you.
Now that you’re no longer here besides me, how I regret on what I’ve done to you. It’s really true that you learn to value the person when the presence is no longer found.
Every time I see the back of a woman having your same features, shiny long black hair, I immediately walk faster and see if it’s you. To my dismay, it’s always not you.
Every time I drive and see a woman walking in the street having your same look, I’d pull over and take a closer. To my disappointment, I sped away.
Every time, I smell a perfume which you usually wore in the elevator, in the office and in every place where we quickly kissed, wild memories in the motel flashed in my mind. God, I hunger for you every single day!
Every time, I see a starbucks mug on the table, I recall the one you gave me on my birthday which I lost. How foolish I was to have never kept it close to my care and attention!
But I still wear the shirt you gave me from time to time. I feel like you’re still inside me, embracing me.
There were times I went to your favorite mall where you bought this shirt, hoping by magical chance I’d meet you. But never did it happen. Yet still I insisted you could be there one day. Something’s telling me in my mind that I’d meet you there standing still, hopefully waiting for me.
As I’m writing these words, I’m listening to this particular song which brought me back to the time we ran away from our partners so we can be together on that sunny afternoon. I took you away from your husband. You took me away from my wife. No one was forcing us. It was our decision where the heart ruled over the mind.
In front of the world, we were crazy. They called me immoral and a disgrace. But for me, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
If ever time can be reversed, there’s nothing I wouldn’t change. I would still do it, falling in love and lust for you, Rose…
I was walking in the corridor and suddenly I saw you. You caught me by surprise like a flash of lightning, striking me. You were teaching in front of your political science students.
I had never seen a woman so seductive, so appealing and so alluring at that time. Never witnessed a woman who turned my world upside down until my eyes laid upon you.
I was just a nobody, an average college student in the campus. I got no special achievement I can boast, for you to pay attention on me. Yet your striking aura propelled me to be galvanized.
Straight black hair up to your shoulders. Black eyes, black eyebrows with such captivating look.
Most of all, your dress. That sexy outfit. Tight fitting executive long sleeves showing a little bit of your cleavage. Slim and slender down to your waist and hips. A well formed body encased by your dark grey mini skirt.
I wasn’t your student. I stayed outside while I was observing your movements. Walking gracefully at the podium, letting me see your long legs like a model in the stage.
I never did this before yet it was worth a try. Dismissal time. I was glad one of your students was my friend. I told him to give this note written in a small piece of paper. I was nervous. My heart was beating faster. I wore wayfarer shades to conceal myself, for I was like stalking you.
I hoped hard you’d respond to my letter by calling my number. I had no common sense. Who was I to expect a call from you? Me, you didn’t know. Me, without a face. Me and my number. Me and my note saying, “Hi, Miss Joy! My name is Mike. Know that you’re very beautiful and intelligent. I’d like to know you more. I’m hoping if you could call me with this number…… so we can meet. Thank you very much and take care always.”
Days passed with my heart skipping a beat just to pick up a ringing phone, hopefully hearing your voice. Not more than a week, finally you called. I couldn’t believe you took a heed to my simple letter.
Then we conversed on the phone, still wondering how was it possible to receive a call from the most talked about teacher in the university.
That’s always been me. When it’s there which I worked for, all of a sudden, I can’t believe I did it.
Our conversation was short but direct.
“Hello! Can I speak to Mike?”
“Yes, this is Mike!”
“Hi! This is Joy! I got a letter from you which was given from my student.”
“Oh, yes! Thank you so much for calling, Joy! I never expected you’d call me!”
“Well, here I am, talking to you!”
“Wow, I just can’t believe you even read my note!”
“Well, you have to believe now!”
“Right! I’m tense and I don’t know what to do! I’m really glad you called me!”
“Yeah! So what now?”
“Is it possible I can meet you?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Can I meet you outside the school? What time will you go out from your class tomorrow?”
“Ok, then! I’ll wait outside starting at 1030am. I’m wearing white t-shirt, blue jeans and shades.”
“So how will I know it’s you?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll approach you when I see you.”
“See you then tomorrow, Joy!”
“Ok, see you then, Mike.”
“Thank you so much! Looking forward for tomorrow!”
“Me, too. Bye now.”
“Bye for now, Joy. Take care.”
And so we met. I can still recall how you looked at that moment. Your smell and the way you moved, still linger in my memory. You were walking fast as if you didn’t want to be noticed that you’re going out with someone. That someone who really typically couldn’t be mistaken as a young college boy.
I opened the car, parked few meters from the school. I didn’t tell you I just borrowed it. You sat on the front seat as I still couldn’t believe I was dating the hottest teacher in a famous university. Your thighs and legs sitting on the leather chair made me fly like I was high in ecstasy.
I drove to somewhere I didn’t know until we reached up in the hills. We got along so quick. Our face to face conversation was just so natural, frank and fast. I never had that kind of talk before until you came into my life. Before you, I did a number of courtships which some ended to heartaches.
But there you were with me, so spontaneous as if I came when you needed someone to talk to, casually. I noticed I arrived in the right time when you needed someone whom you could relate without any subordination. Just plain casual friends you seemed to want without thinking you were a teacher and without minding I was an ordinary guy on the block.
You smoked as you expressed who you really were, right in front of me. I was holding the steering wheel. You talked a lot about your dreams and aspiration of becoming a full pledged lawyer. I just listened to you with all amusement as you brought me into your world. I was just 19 at that time while you were 10 years older than me.
You shared your love of music. You asked me if I can give you a cassette tape containing, I’m Not in Love by 10CC. I ingrained the title in my head.
After some hours, you then disclosed your sexual desires. I was caught off guard as you ignited the fire in me. You held my face and said, “Kiss me, Mike!”
So we kissed passionately and wildly in the car. Your tongue smelled and tasted nicotine but I was mystified for the more it was sensually pleasurable. I guess it was the way you kissed me. Your breath, your saliva and your experience of stimulating a man.
You opened your blouse and let me touch your breasts. You guided my hand on how to squeeze them sensually. You opened my jeans and caressed my cock. You let me touch your vagina and guided my fingers on how to make you achieve your orgasm. You did reach it as I did as well. Oh, God, it was indeed hot!
We met again not because we had to but because both of us wanted to. You were looking for someone to kill the time and I was just there every time.
You wanted me not to call you on the phone. If my memory served me well, you were always the one who called and asked me out.
In the car again, we romanced. That time, we fucked. You were on top as I was mesmerized by the look of your face. You enjoyed it a lot to the satisfaction of your fleshly desires.
It was night time at the beach. It was so dark that I thought no one saw us. The back windshield wasn’t tinted. It was my turn but I had to stop because someone was peeping at us. We were like naughty children who had to run out of embarrassment. I could still picture out the way you cast your cute sultry smile. I didn’t bother for having not achieved my orgasm for as long as we could do it again and again.
And so we did it successively like we could never get enough. Oftentimes, you told me we have to go to a motel for you were getting uncomfortable in the car. I wasn’t honest with you that I just didn’t have the budget. I remained mum as I continued to do it with you in the car. It was the only place I knew where money wasn’t the hindrance.
It came to a point where you couldn’t take it anymore. You pulled me out of the car and you fucked me in the sofa of your living room. At least the seat was wider where we finally laid down. But we had to hurry because in no time, your dad would be back. So in order for you to climax faster, you went back to your favorite position, on top. I didn’t mind again. I didn’t achieve my orgasm again. That was alright. For me to see you pleased was double the pleasure on my part.
You were getting wilder as I tried to control but in the end, I gave in. At night you called me when I was about to attend our weekly religious meeting. You said you wanted to see me so you could fuck me again. I couldn’t say no to you. Never had I turned you down. However, I couldn’t be absent with our meeting either. So what I did, in the middle of our group sharing, I told my mom that I had to go somewhere urgent. And there I went to your friend’s house. You were in a party. You were drunk and you needed some quickie. You kissed me wild while pleasuring my cock. Then passionately, you fucked me. Where else but in the car again! And thank you for I had great orgasm too at that night. Thank you, Joy! Thank you so much.
As they say, some good things never last. It happened to us on the day you had to leave for Manila for the bar exam review. What I feared had finally come. It was the last meeting we had in the car. I gave you the cassette tape containing I’m Not in Love. I never bothered to ask why you wanted that song so bad. Anyway, it also had some love songs of the 80’s which are my favorites.
Time was running out. I had to say what I had to express all along the course of our relationship which was more filled with sex rather than love.
As so I frankly said, “Joy, I want you to know that you’re important to me.”
You never responded. You were cold. Then all of a sudden, you told me, “Please drive me home. I have to go.”
I was speechless. I wanted to spend more time with you and indulge myself on our last few minutes. But you had a plane to catch.
Your last words were, “I’ll write you a letter. Bye, Mike.”
I couldn’t respond because we already arrived in your house. You gave me a quick kiss and suddenly left. You didn’t wait if I have something to say. Then you were just gone, leaving your tantalizing scent in the car.
We got to know each other very swiftly but we were separated in the same manner, quick and even mostly quickies we made magic in the car.
Crazy I was with you that I seemed not able to let go of you in my heart and mind. Every day, every time I arrived home from school, I opened our mailbox expecting a letter from you.
A month passed. Finally, I got a letter from you written in a yellow paper. You wrote:
“Hello, Mike! Sorry it took me a while to write to you. Anyway, I’m already set here in Manila. So don’t worry about me. My bar exam would be two weeks from now. So please pray for me. I know you have a deep belief in God. You know me, I don’t have such spiritual connection with Him.
I miss you. How can I not miss you? We made special memories on your car and in our living room. Hahaha! Whenever I see a car having the same color with yours, I remember you. I remember the two of us. Sometimes you might catch me here smiling in my room while I’m studying these stressful law books. I have to pause, lie down for a while and pleasure my vagina.
We had fun, Mike. I really enjoyed every second I was with you. I felt younger and vibrant. How I wish we had more time! How I wish time stood still every time we fucked! But I have to move on. I hope you understand my aspiration. And thank you for always putting a smile on my face whenever my memory takes me back into your arms.
I have to go now, Mike. If you notice, there’s no address indicated on my location. I might transfer to a new place here in Manila. But don’t worry, I’ll try to write you another letter.
Wish me good luck and I hope to see you someday when I get the chance to visit Cebu.”
Yours truly, Joy
After reading, I didn’t know what to feel. I was looking for a word of love from you. My eyes were searching on the paper for the three words coming from you, I love you. But I realized how silly I was to expect you saying those words when I didn’t even say I love you in the first place when you were here with me.
I hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to express how much you really mean to me. How I wanted to say that it’s not really your body I so desire the most, but your love.
Since you said you’d write me another letter, I opened our mailbox every day. Literally, for three hundred sixty five days, I held that rusty mailbox and pulled the handle just to see no piece of paper from you.
I decided not to touch that mailbox. Never again.
Years passed. One afternoon while I was sitting in our rocking chair, the song played on the radio was I’m Not in Love. I then reminisced you fondly. I grabbed my laptop to search for its lyrics and understand the meaning behind the song you like so much. I memorized the lines, sang along and felt the melody. Then it dawned upon me. You must have intentionally wanted me to listen to the song for all the while it was dedicated for me.
You’re not in love with me, Joy. Never had you been. But I understand.
The waiter said, “Ok sir. Would you like to have another beer?”
I replied, “Yes. Thanks.”
I asked her, “So Jen, how long you’ve been working here?”
She replied, “I’m just new here.”
“Is that so? Like a month now?”
“Just a week.”
“Wow! Is this your first time working in a bar like this?”
“How old are you by the way?”
“Wow! You’re so young and pretty!”
“I’ve been watching you dancing since your first hour.”
“Are you alone?”
“Yes. Just me.”
“Why you’re sitting so far? There are empty chairs near the stage.”
“I know but I like it here so I can touch mine while watching.”
“Hahaha! You’re naughty!”
“Your parents know about your work?”
“Are you living here in Cebu?”
“I come from the province and came here for work.”
“And this is the work you found?”
“Why are you asking me these questions? Just enjoy the night. Look at her! Isn’t she beautiful?”
“Yeah, she is!”
“She’s really good in dancing.”
“Yeah, but you’re better.”
“Hahaha! You’re always joking!”
“It’s true, Jen.”
I gently touched her hand as she cast a shy smile at me.
“Your name is Mike?”
“Yeah! You have a good memory.”
“You just mentioned your name a while ago. I guess I can’t forget you now because you’re the only one who has no companion here.”
“Right. So you like what you do?”
“Question again! Hahaha!”
“Sorry but I have to ask because I can’t believe you’re so young to do these kind of things. I think you’re the youngest here. Am I right?”
“So where are you staying here?”
“Oh, I’m from Mabolo too. You’re staying alone in a boarding house?”
“Yes, with my sister.”
“So tell me about yourself, Mike. Do you come here often?”
“I think this is my second time.”
“When was the first time?”
“I think it was three days ago.”
“Why didn’t I see you?”
“Why? Would you notice me among the many customers you meet here?”
“Why are you laughing, Jen?”
The manager called her.
She said, “Mike, it’s my turn. Just wait here for me.”
I replied, “Ok.”
The song was a disco tune which was followed by a mellow song, Toy Soldiers by Martika. Erotic strip tease was her specialty.
After, she came back to my table and sat closer besides me.
I said, “Wow! You really danced very well!”
She responded, “Hahaha! You’re joking again!”
“So your boyfriend will fetch you after your show?”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Then that’s good.”
“Because I’d like to invite you out.”
“Huh? Where will we go?”
“So it’s ok with you?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“So I’ll just wait here?”
“No, you can’t wait here. It’s not allowed.”
“What do you mean?”
“The management doesn’t allow us to be taken out by our customers.”
“Even if it’s already your time off?”
“Yeah, unless you pay the bar fine.”
“Why would I pay the bar fine when you’re done with your shift?”
“I know. Just wait for me outside, far from here.”
“Do you have a car?”
“Just park farther from here.”
“Near the convenience store.”
“Ok. I’ll wait for you inside the car.”
“What’s the color of your car?”
“See you then later, Jen.”
It was already 230am. I opened the front windows as I patiently waited for her to go out from the club.
Then she arrived saying, “Hi, Mike! Sorry it took me so long.”
I replied, “That’s ok. Come and get inside.”
“Where shall we go?”
“Let’s just drive thru Mcdonald’s and eat here in the car.”
“Why? You’re afraid you might be seen going out with a pretty girl like me?”
“You also got a lot of questions, Jen! Hahaha!”
After getting our order, I then parked in a discreet place and ate our burgers. Playing on my car stereo was If You Don’t Know Me By Now by Simply Red.
In my mind, I knew what I should do right on the moment she agreed to go out with me. So I said, “Let’s go, Jen.”
She asked, “Where?”
“In my house?”
“Huh? You’re living alone there?”
“My parents are in Manila.”
“You have siblings?”
“Yeah. But don’t worry. They’re already sleeping.”
“Hahaha! You’re sure about that.”
We arrived in my house. I parked the car outside so I didn’t have to cause some noise if I open the gate of our garage. I held her hand and felt she was easy to bring along with. Then we stayed in the sala and laid down in those large pillows.
Without any resistance and smooth it went, we fucked. Then we were tenderly embracing each other as we fell asleep. I seemed to feel something sad deep inside her.
I woke up at 530am. I said, “Jen, wake up! Let’s go. I’ll drive you home.”
She responded, “But I’m still sleepy, Mike.”
“We have to go now. My brother might see us here.”
And so off we left. While I was driving, she was caressing my arm with her fingers as she asked, “Mike, will I see you again?”
I replied, “I hope so, Jen. I hope so.”
“If you like, you can visit me in my house anytime.”
“By the way, here’s some money.”
“Thank you. Jen.”
“Because… Just because.”
“Why can’t you tell me?”
“It’s just the way it is.”
We arrived in her house. We kissed passionately while sunrise penetrated through the front windshield. She then got out from the car with the look on her face, clinging to some hope that it wasn’t just a one night stand…
Months passed, in the midst of being busy as a college student, I thought dearly about Jen. I wanted to see her again to let her feel it wasn’t just a one night stand. I was somehow ready to be open what could develop between the two of us. So I went to her house but I got lost. I couldn’t recall the exact location of her house. All I kept saying to myself, “Damn! Why?”