i took you away from your husband. you took me away from my wife

Even after many years had passed, I still think about you. I thought I can forget you but here I am, listening again and again to the music we shared together. I still remember these are the kind of songs we enjoyed while we made love on my bed.

You used to tell me that you love me so much and that you want to build your world around me. You were even complaining on why I didn’t spend much time on you.

Now that you’re no longer here besides me, how I regret on what I’ve done to you. It’s really true that you learn to value the person when the presence is no longer found.

Every time I see the back of a woman having your same features, shiny long black hair, I immediately walk faster and see if it’s you. To my dismay, it’s always not you.

Every time I drive and see a woman walking in the street having your same look, I’d pull over and take a closer. To my disappointment, I sped away.

Every time, I smell a perfume which you usually wore in the elevator, in the office and in every place where we quickly kissed, wild memories in the motel flashed in my mind. God, I hunger for you every single day!

Every time, I see a starbucks mug on the table, I recall the one you gave me on my birthday which I lost. How foolish I was to have never kept it close to my care and attention!

But I still wear the shirt you gave me from time to time. I feel like you’re still inside me, embracing me.

There were times I went to your favorite mall where you bought this shirt, hoping by magical chance I’d meet you. But never did it happen. Yet still I insisted you could be there one day. Something’s telling me in my mind that I’d meet you there standing still, hopefully waiting for me.

As I’m writing these words, I’m listening to this particular song which brought me back to the time we ran away from our partners so we can be together on that sunny afternoon. I took you away from your husband. You took me away from my wife. No one was forcing us. It was our decision where the heart ruled over the mind.

In front of the world, we were crazy. They called me immoral and a disgrace. But for me, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

If ever time can be reversed, there’s nothing I wouldn’t change. I would still do it, falling in love and lust for you, Rose…

You’re not in love. You just want to fuck

I was walking in the corridor and suddenly I saw you. You caught me by surprise like a flash of lightning, striking me. You were teaching in front of your political science students.

I had never seen a woman so seductive, so appealing and so alluring at that time. Never witnessed a woman who turned my world upside down until my eyes laid upon you.

I was just a nobody, an average college student in the campus. I got no special achievement I can boast, for you to pay attention on me. Yet your striking aura propelled me to be galvanized.

Straight black hair up to your shoulders. Black eyes, black eyebrows with such captivating look.

Most of all, your dress. That sexy outfit. Tight fitting executive long sleeves showing a little bit of your cleavage. Slim and slender down to your waist and hips. A well formed body encased by your dark grey mini skirt.

I wasn’t your student. I stayed outside while I was observing your movements. Walking gracefully at the podium, letting me see your long legs like a model in the stage.

I never did this before yet it was worth a try. Dismissal time. I was glad one of your students was my friend. I told him to give this note written in a small piece of paper. I was nervous. My heart was beating faster. I wore wayfarer shades to conceal myself, for I was like stalking you.

I hoped hard you’d respond to my letter by calling my number. I had no common sense. Who was I to expect a call from you? Me, you didn’t know. Me, without a face. Me and my number. Me and my note saying, “Hi, Miss Joy! My name is Mike. Know that you’re very beautiful and intelligent. I’d like to know you more. I’m hoping if you could call me with this number…… so we can meet. Thank you very much and take care always.”

Days passed with my heart skipping a beat just to pick up a ringing phone, hopefully hearing your voice. Not more than a week, finally you called. I couldn’t believe you took a heed to my simple letter.

Then we conversed on the phone, still wondering how was it possible to receive a call from the most talked about teacher in the university.

That’s always been me. When it’s there which I worked for, all of a sudden, I can’t believe I did it.

Our conversation was short but direct.

“Hello! Can I speak to Mike?”

“Yes, this is Mike!”

“Hi! This is Joy! I got a letter from you which was given from my student.”

“Oh, yes! Thank you so much for calling, Joy! I never expected you’d call me!”

“Well, here I am, talking to you!”

“Wow, I just can’t believe you even read my note!”

“Well, you have to believe now!”

“Right! I’m tense and I don’t know what to do! I’m really glad you called me!”

“Yeah! So what now?”

“Is it possible I can meet you?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Can I meet you outside the school? What time will you go out from your class tomorrow?”

“1030am.”

“Ok, then! I’ll wait outside starting at 1030am. I’m wearing white t-shirt, blue jeans and shades.”

“So how will I know it’s you?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll approach you when I see you.”

“Ah, ok.”

“See you then tomorrow, Joy!”

“Ok, see you then, Mike.”

“Thank you so much! Looking forward for tomorrow!”

“Me, too. Bye now.”

“Bye for now, Joy. Take care.”

And so we met. I can still recall how you looked at that moment. Your smell and the way you moved, still linger in my memory. You were walking fast as if you didn’t want to be noticed that you’re going out with someone. That someone who really typically couldn’t be mistaken as a young college boy.

I opened the car, parked few meters from the school. I didn’t tell you I just borrowed it. You sat on the front seat as I still couldn’t believe I was dating the hottest teacher in a famous university. Your thighs and legs sitting on the leather chair made me fly like I was high in ecstasy.

I drove to somewhere I didn’t know until we reached up in the hills. We got along so quick. Our face to face conversation was just so natural, frank and fast. I never had that kind of talk before until you came into my life. Before you, I did a number of courtships which some ended to heartaches.

But there you were with me, so spontaneous as if I came when you needed someone to talk to, casually. I noticed I arrived in the right time when you needed someone whom you could relate without any subordination. Just plain casual friends you seemed to want without thinking you were a teacher and without minding I was an ordinary guy on the block.

You smoked as you expressed who you really were, right in front of me. I was holding the steering wheel. You talked a lot about your dreams and aspiration of becoming a full pledged lawyer. I just listened to you with all amusement as you brought me into your world. I was just 19 at that time while you were 10 years older than me.

You shared your love of music. You asked me if I can give you a cassette tape containing, I’m Not in Love by 10CC. I ingrained the title in my head.

After some hours, you then disclosed your sexual desires. I was caught off guard as you ignited the fire in me. You held my face and said, “Kiss me, Mike!”

So we kissed passionately and wildly in the car. Your tongue smelled and tasted nicotine but I was mystified for the more it was sensually pleasurable. I guess it was the way you kissed me. Your breath, your saliva and your experience of stimulating a man.

You opened your blouse and let me touch your breasts. You guided my hand on how to squeeze them sensually. You opened my jeans and caressed my cock. You let me touch your vagina and guided my fingers on how to make you achieve your orgasm. You did reach it as I did as well. Oh, God, it was indeed hot!

We met again not because we had to but because both of us wanted to. You were looking for someone to kill the time and I was just there every time.

You wanted me not to call you on the phone. If my memory served me well, you were always the one who called and asked me out.

In the car again, we romanced. That time, we fucked. You were on top as I was mesmerized by the look of your face. You enjoyed it a lot to the satisfaction of your fleshly desires.

It was night time at the beach. It was so dark that I thought no one saw us. The back windshield wasn’t tinted. It was my turn but I had to stop because someone was peeping at us. We were like naughty children who had to run out of embarrassment. I could still picture out the way you cast your cute sultry smile. I didn’t bother for having not achieved my orgasm for as long as we could do it again and again.

And so we did it successively like we could never get enough. Oftentimes, you told me we have to go to a motel for you were getting uncomfortable in the car. I wasn’t honest with you that I just didn’t have the budget. I remained mum as I continued to do it with you in the car. It was the only place I knew where money wasn’t the hindrance.

It came to a point where you couldn’t take it anymore. You pulled me out of the car and you fucked me in the sofa of your living room. At least the seat was wider where we finally laid down. But we had to hurry because in no time, your dad would be back. So in order for you to climax faster, you went back to your favorite position, on top. I didn’t mind again. I didn’t achieve my orgasm again. That was alright. For me to see you pleased was double the pleasure on my part.

You were getting wilder as I tried to control but in the end, I gave in. At night you called me when I was about to attend our weekly religious meeting. You said you wanted to see me so you could fuck me again. I couldn’t say no to you. Never had I turned you down. However, I couldn’t be absent with our meeting either. So what I did, in the middle of our group sharing, I told my mom that I had to go somewhere urgent. And there I went to your friend’s house. You were in a party. You were drunk and you needed some quickie. You kissed me wild while pleasuring my cock. Then passionately, you fucked me. Where else but in the car again! And thank you for I had great orgasm too at that night. Thank you, Joy! Thank you so much.

As they say, some good things never last. It happened to us on the day you had to leave for Manila for the bar exam review. What I feared had finally come. It was the last meeting we had in the car. I gave you the cassette tape containing I’m Not in Love. I never bothered to ask why you wanted that song so bad. Anyway, it also had some love songs of the 80’s which are my favorites.

Time was running out. I had to say what I had to express all along the course of our relationship which was more filled with sex rather than love.

As so I frankly said, “Joy, I want you to know that you’re important to me.”

You never responded. You were cold. Then all of a sudden, you told me, “Please drive me home. I have to go.”

I was speechless. I wanted to spend more time with you and indulge myself on our last few minutes. But you had a plane to catch.

Your last words were, “I’ll write you a letter. Bye, Mike.”

I couldn’t respond because we already arrived in your house. You gave me a quick kiss and suddenly left. You didn’t wait if I have something to say. Then you were just gone, leaving your tantalizing scent in the car.

We got to know each other very swiftly but we were separated in the same manner, quick and even mostly quickies we made magic in the car.

Crazy I was with you that I seemed not able to let go of you in my heart and mind. Every day, every time I arrived home from school, I opened our mailbox expecting a letter from you.

A month passed. Finally, I got a letter from you written in a yellow paper. You wrote:

“Hello, Mike! Sorry it took me a while to write to you. Anyway, I’m already set here in Manila. So don’t worry about me. My bar exam would be two weeks from now. So please pray for me. I know you have a deep belief in God. You know me, I don’t have such spiritual connection with Him.

I miss you. How can I not miss you? We made special memories on your car and in our living room. Hahaha! Whenever I see a car having the same color with yours, I remember you. I remember the two of us. Sometimes you might catch me here smiling in my room while I’m studying these stressful law books. I have to pause, lie down for a while and pleasure my vagina.

We had fun, Mike. I really enjoyed every second I was with you. I felt younger and vibrant. How I wish we had more time! How I wish time stood still every time we fucked! But I have to move on. I hope you understand my aspiration. And thank you for always putting a smile on my face whenever my memory takes me back into your arms.

I have to go now, Mike. If you notice, there’s no address indicated on my location. I might transfer to a new place here in Manila. But don’t worry, I’ll try to write you another letter.

Wish me good luck and I hope to see you someday when I get the chance to visit Cebu.”

Yours truly,
Joy

After reading, I didn’t know what to feel. I was looking for a word of love from you. My eyes were searching on the paper for the three words coming from you, I love you. But I realized how silly I was to expect you saying those words when I didn’t even say I love you in the first place when you were here with me.

I hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to express how much you really mean to me. How I wanted to say that it’s not really your body I so desire the most, but your love.

Since you said you’d write me another letter, I opened our mailbox every day. Literally, for three hundred sixty five days, I held that rusty mailbox and pulled the handle just to see no piece of paper from you.

I decided not to touch that mailbox. Never again.

Years passed. One afternoon while I was sitting in our rocking chair, the song played on the radio was I’m Not in Love. I then reminisced you fondly. I grabbed my laptop to search for its lyrics and understand the meaning behind the song you like so much. I memorized the lines, sang along and felt the melody. Then it dawned upon me. You must have intentionally wanted me to listen to the song for all the while it was dedicated for me.

You’re not in love with me, Joy. Never had you been. But I understand.

Goodbye, Joy. Goodbye…

The Erotic Dancer

I said to her, “Hi! Come here sit down.”

She replied, “Thanks.”

“You danced very well a while ago.”

“Hehehe! Thanks.”

“My name is Mike!”

“Ok.”

“Your name is Jennifer. Right?”

“Right.”

“What would you like to drink?”

“Orange punch.”

“Waiter, you heard her order.”

The waiter said, “Ok sir. Would you like to have another beer?”

I replied, “Yes. Thanks.”

I asked her, “So Jen, how long you’ve been working here?”

She replied, “I’m just new here.”

“Is that so? Like a month now?”

“Just a week.”

“Wow! Is this your first time working in a bar like this?”

“Yes.”

“How old are you by the way?”

“Just 18.”

“Wow! You’re so young and pretty!”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve been watching you dancing since your first hour.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yes. Just me.”

“Why you’re sitting so far? There are empty chairs near the stage.”

“I know but I like it here so I can touch mine while watching.”

“Hahaha! You’re naughty!”

“Your parents know about your work?”

“No.”

“Are you living here in Cebu?”

“I come from the province and came here for work.”

“And this is the work you found?”

“Why are you asking me these questions? Just enjoy the night. Look at her! Isn’t she beautiful?”

“Yeah, she is!”

“She’s really good in dancing.”

“Yeah, but you’re better.”

“Hahaha! You’re always joking!”

“It’s true, Jen.”

I gently touched her hand as she cast a shy smile at me.

“Your name is Mike?”

“Yeah! You have a good memory.”

“You just mentioned your name a while ago. I guess I can’t forget you now because you’re the only one who has no companion here.”

“Right. So you like what you do?”

“Question again! Hahaha!”

“Sorry but I have to ask because I can’t believe you’re so young to do these kind of things. I think you’re the youngest here. Am I right?”

“Yeah.”

“So where are you staying here?”

“In Mabolo.”

“Oh, I’m from Mabolo too. You’re staying alone in a boarding house?”

“Yes, with my sister.”

“Ah, ok.”

“So tell me about yourself, Mike. Do you come here often?”

“I think this is my second time.”

“When was the first time?”

“I think it was three days ago.”

“Why didn’t I see you?”

“Why? Would you notice me among the many customers you meet here?”

“Hahaha!”

“Why are you laughing, Jen?”

The manager called her.

She said, “Mike, it’s my turn. Just wait here for me.”

I replied, “Ok.”

The song was a disco tune which was followed by a mellow song, Toy Soldiers by Martika. Erotic strip tease was her specialty.

After, she came back to my table and sat closer besides me.

I said, “Wow! You really danced very well!”

She responded, “Hahaha! You’re joking again!”

“So your boyfriend will fetch you after your show?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Then that’s good.”

“Why?”

“Because I’d like to invite you out.”

“Huh? Where will we go?”

“We’ll eat.”

“Ah ok.”

“So it’s ok with you?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“So I’ll just wait here?”

“No, you can’t wait here. It’s not allowed.”

“What do you mean?”

“The management doesn’t allow us to be taken out by our customers.”

“Even if it’s already your time off?”

“Yeah, unless you pay the bar fine.”

“Why would I pay the bar fine when you’re done with your shift?”

“I know. Just wait for me outside, far from here.”

“Where?”

“Do you have a car?”

“Yeah.”

“Just park farther from here.”

“Where?”

“Near the convenience store.”

“Ok. I’ll wait for you inside the car.”

“What’s the color of your car?”

“It’s blue.”

“Ok.”

“See you then later, Jen.”

It was already 230am. I opened the front windows as I patiently waited for her to go out from the club.

Then she arrived saying, “Hi, Mike! Sorry it took me so long.”

I replied, “That’s ok. Come and get inside.”

“Where shall we go?”

“Let’s just drive thru Mcdonald’s and eat here in the car.”

“Why? You’re afraid you might be seen going out with a pretty girl like me?”

“You also got a lot of questions, Jen! Hahaha!”

After getting our order, I then parked in a discreet place and ate our burgers. Playing on my car stereo was If You Don’t Know Me By Now by Simply Red.

In my mind, I knew what I should do right on the moment she agreed to go out with me. So I said, “Let’s go, Jen.”

She asked, “Where?”

“In my house?”

“Huh? You’re living alone there?”

“My parents are in Manila.”

“You have siblings?”

“Yeah. But don’t worry. They’re already sleeping.”

“Hahaha! You’re sure about that.”

We arrived in my house. I parked the car outside so I didn’t have to cause some noise if I open the gate of our garage. I held her hand and felt she was easy to bring along with. Then we stayed in the sala and laid down in those large pillows.

Without any resistance and smooth it went, we fucked. Then we were tenderly embracing each other as we fell asleep. I seemed to feel something sad deep inside her.

I woke up at 530am. I said, “Jen, wake up! Let’s go. I’ll drive you home.”

She responded, “But I’m still sleepy, Mike.”

“We have to go now. My brother might see us here.”

And so off we left. While I was driving, she was caressing my arm with her fingers as she asked, “Mike, will I see you again?”

I replied, “I hope so, Jen. I hope so.”

“If you like, you can visit me in my house anytime.”

“By the way, here’s some money.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank you. Jen.”

“For what?”

“Because… Just because.”

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“It’s just the way it is.”

We arrived in her house. We kissed passionately while sunrise penetrated through the front windshield. She then got out from the car with the look on her face, clinging to some hope that it wasn’t just a one night stand…

Months passed, in the midst of being busy as a college student, I thought dearly about Jen. I wanted to see her again to let her feel it wasn’t just a one night stand. I was somehow ready to be open what could develop between the two of us. So I went to her house but I got lost. I couldn’t recall the exact location of her house. All I kept saying to myself, “Damn! Why?”

Hopeless Romantic Love

In my night dreams, I keep seeing you and me, holding each others’ hands like we can’t be separated.

We look so happy like a newlywed couple, celebrating in the garden. We were smiling sweetly while the white roses were showered upon our heads.

The dream is so clear and vivid. I thought it was real. I could smell the freshness of the air and the scent of those flowers. You were dressed in that long white gown as I held your hands while running away from the crowd. We’re running carefree like children in the playground. We’re sliding and swinging as we felt the soft breeze of the air. But then all of a sudden, I lost you. You were no longer besides me in the swing. But it was still moving but without you in the seat.

I was awakened to see a tear fell on my pillow. So sad and empty I’ve always been, realizing you really don’t want me after all.

Turning back the hands of clock, the first time I saw you was in a beauty pageant in our place. I was a junior high school student at that time. At my first sight on you, I fell in love with you. I thought love at first sight doesn’t exist but it did happen to me when your flashing beauty caught me. My heart beat faster. I was catching my breath. It’s really true when a song says, “You take my breath away.”

And so I did everything I could to meet you. The crowd kept me away from you. You were so famous. All people cheered for you. They admired you. The pictures, the media and the glamour sent me an indirect message that you couldn’t be reached.

I refused to believe. There was no woman who crossed my path who gave me such extraordinary joy until you walked there in the stage. I didn’t understand it. It was strange but I had to let the outpouring of my heart’s desires to go ahead and meet you.

With all my guts, we finally met. When you stood before in my presence, it was as if I was in front of a princess from a fairy land. God, you’re magically beautiful! I thought I was gazing at the most special creature of all kind.

And so we got to know each other. Successive phone calls I made. Until now, I can utter your home phone number automatically. Your voice, just the tone of your voice made my day. Your voice, so feminine, so gentle and pure. I’d rather not eat than not hearing your voice on a single day.

Thoughtfulness is what I hold dear in my heart for it’s the only memory I had with you.

Time passed, I noticed you started to avoid me. Maybe I called you too often. Maybe I visited you too often. Maybe I gave you too much of those fancy things.

I hope someday, by accident, you get to read this writing.

Do you still remember the big Valentine’s card I gave you? Do you know, according to the store manager of National Book Store, it’s the biggest card they’ve ever sold. Yet I bought it not minding the people who were staring at me. Maybe, they were thinking on who is this crazy guy carrying that huge red card.

Do you still remember that every letter in that card came from a letter cut from magazines and newspapers? Do you know it took me almost a week to complete it? But it didn’t matter. What matters was the message in that card. Do you still have it with you? I guess you already threw it away long ago. You must had torn it apart.

You didn’t answer my phone calls anymore. But I kept my patience. Maybe you were just busy in school. Anyhow, I continued and gave you some space you needed. I waited because you told me that if I truly love you, I can wait. And so I did.

Year after year, I waited until you gave me a piece of yellow paper saying:

“Thank you very much, Mike, for your being congenial. I appreciate it a lot. You said you love me so much because I make you happy. I’m sorry to tell you, I don’t buy it. We’re still too young to think about love and relationship. I have a lot of things in my mind. I got dreams to fulfill. But if you can wait longer, let’s see how it goes.”

Sincerely,
Therese

I read it over and over again, trying to fully grasp what you really mean in that letter. I was listening to Mark Sherman’s Changes in My Life.

The music became my only friend at that moment. I didn’t know how to react to your letter. I was just wondering, “Is it not enough that I’ve waited for you this long?”

But I took your word in my heart which was then starting to bleed. I kept covering it so not to expose the hole you caused in one way or the other. In spite of it, I went on and waited as you said. Another year after year passed until such time, I saw you. You were with a man. I couldn’t help but to confront you. You just simply said, “Mike, meet my boyfriend.”

I faked my smile and walked away. I don’t want to recall what happened after it for the more pain is being inflicted against my spirit, my spirit to survive, my spirit to live.

I admit I hated you. You could have told me earlier. I would have accepted it. Why were you hiding the truth all along? I hated you.

I thought I could hate you forever. The dream persisted again. Same dream. Same scene and same carefree happy feeling. Why? I’ve already moved on long ago but in my night dreams, you keep entering into subconsciousness.

I thought I hated you but I hate to admit that I still love you silently.

A couple of years ago, by chance out of nowhere. I saw your picture in Facebook. The same feeling came back. My heart beat faster. You took my breath away. And so I sent you a friend request. After two years of waiting, you never accepted me. What’s surprising I’ve let go of any ill feeling towards you. No more hate but only contentment to see you happy with your husband and kids in the US.

I bid you goodbye, Therese. I now release you for I’ve imprisoned my hopeless romantic love for you, for so many painful years. I now free you. I’m letting go of my undying love for you. I’m unfastening my silly love for you. I’m now free.

But why do I still dream about you? The same damn vivid happy dream, holding, smiling, sliding and swinging…

a love she never knew when she was alive

In the terminal, I was sitting on a bus, waiting to depart, when the music of Atlantic Starr was played on a jukebox.

It was more than two hours of travel to the south while the song Always lingered on my mind.

Then we met at the seaside of the church. The wind was blowing your long beautiful hair. We talked a lot of things that we didn’t realize several hours had already passed. We were sitting in a bench staring at the horizon. It was so peaceful. We heard the chirping of the birds while the breeze was swaying the branches of the coconut trees.

Your smile was sweet and your words reflected your happy childhood. I could have sat closer besides you but I didn’t. I could have told you how I felt for you but I wasn’t able to. I could have held your hand but something was holding me back.

When I reminisce that moment, I could still recall how you looked at the skies while attentively listening to me. Oftentimes, you glanced at me and gave me your lovely impression. I didn’t know how to interpret your facial expression for I was young and naive back then. I was just a sophomore high school student at that time. Only after several years passed, I realized that you were just waiting for me to court you. Like a traditional Filipina, you were patiently waiting for me all throughout our meetings.

When I was ready and had the courage, I tried to go back into your place but only to find out you were already married. I was sad and empty but I tried to overcome it and instead, I forced myself to be happy for you. I sent you good thoughts, silently praying for your lasting happiness with him.

I thought I had already let you go but your lovely face never left my mind. Then I suddenly felt I must go back and talk to you, to settle everything between the two of us, once and for all. I was silly to have ever thought about it as I knew you already got kids.

When I was about to travel to your house near the church, someone told me that you already passed away. My whole world was shattered. I felt like a big part of me died. What remained in me was myself I hate most. I couldn’t move on for a while. But I had to keep on walking for I was afraid I might break down.

Wherever you are, Donna, know that I keep you alive in my heart and in my memory. I have to. I must. If I don’t, I might go insane.

Whenever a thought of you comes to my mind, I only choose to remember how happy you were with me at that night. I guess, you’re happy as well in the skies wherever it might be. Whenever I feel the air passing through my face, I feel your presence.

I still feel you, Donna. I still love you, a love you never knew when you were alive…