to lust or not to lust

This pandemic has brought a drastic change in my life. Before, whenever there was an opportunity to fuck an attractive girl, I did it without hesitation. Now when this damn covid started to penetrate our city since March of this year, even when presented with an opportunity and even though deep inside I dislike it, I turn away from temptation.

I’ve been receiving messages from my social media account from the women I fucked before. Some just miss fucking for the pleasure of it while some are ready to massage fuck in exchange of money.

When hiv came into my awareness in the 90’s, I was afraid a little but it didn’t stop me from feeding into my carnal desires. I still fucked and fucked every pretty women I came across with. Some I wore protection while I some, I didn’t.

This covid is different. Maybe because of the daily news that I heard, seen and witnessed, it somehow pushed me back with my lust being suppressed. Of course, I know, lust can’t be suppressed for long. It has to come out in one way or the other. This is where watching porn while masturbating comes in. But I also know, it can’t always be like that. There has to be some variation. Masturbation is still there but watching not a porn video but staring at a seductive woman on the street while I’m in my car. Sometimes, gazing at an attractive woman dressed in mini skirt, I would then lock in her image into my mind. I try to concentrate on her chest, butt and crotch, not minding her face mask… So later at night, I would then fuck my wife, with that woman still on my mind, I would try to cum. And I cummed. Although not that great compared fucking a different real woman but at least, I cummed.

I must admit that it’s difficult for me to achieve orgasm when I fuck my wife. We’ve been fucking for so many years now. Time comes it’s getting boring yet still I have to fuck her. I feel like it’s my responsibility to fuck her regularly. Because if not, I could cause depression on her, making her think I don’t want her anymore.

Please don’t get me wrong. I love her truly. I really do. She has done wonderful things to me that no woman has ever done before. She’s the mother of our kids. She raised them very well that they become respectful and loving. She has forgiven me many times. She let me see what true unconditional love really is.

But my lust for other woman can’t be extinguished. Countless times I tried to before but I always failed. I guess lust is here to stay forever. I realize my being a carnal man is part of who I am. On the other hand, if I really want to take away my lust with all determination and discipline, I think I can annihilate it. But then again, if it happens, can I still write erotica? Can I still write about love and romance? Can I still live life with excitement, thrill and ecstatic joy? I don’t think so.

Rainer Maria Rilke said, “Don’t take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

I’m mystified by Rilke’s words yet I’m constantly guided.

2 thoughts on “to lust or not to lust

  1. Just out of curiosity, does your wife have any idea of your “carnal” nature?
    I ask because I fell in love with a man I described in a post yesterday as a hummingbird….he was so gorgeous….but he liked to wander from flower to flower. He did not deceive me that he did wander….but he wisely did not tell me exactly which flowers or how many other flowers. I loved him…but it was hard, I can’t pretend. I loved him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jenna, first of all, thank you for posting your comment. i really appreciate it especially the way you express yourself how much you loved that man. i seem to feel how you feel… regarding your question, my wife knows my being lustful. what she doesn’t know is that i still indulge presently on my carnal desires.

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